The Light Within (Poem)

The glorious orb of the night

Can still be seen on my left

While vibrant hues paint the sky

As the Sun rises on my right

A majestic moment where they coexist

Reflecting each other’s light

Igniting everything in sight

Does anyone else see what I see

Or Is this magic just for me

It feels like they came together

To shine all their light at me

I’m renewed and invigorated

Ready to fulfill my destiny

Reminded that the Universe is within me

The Sun and The Moon (Poem)

She always thought he was the Sun,

When his rays beamed down at her,

Her heart filled with joy,

Even if she couldn’t see him,

She could always feel his warmth,

The world went black with his departure,

She was cold and alone in the shadows,

Until she overcame her fear of the void.

She never knew she was the Moon

Radiating in the Darkness,

Illuminating the entire Sky,

Shining brighter than all the Stars,

Aglow with Power and Magnetism,

Moving more than mere Ocean Tides.

Blank Pages (Poem)

I am in love with blank pages

The clean slate

A new day

The anticipation of not knowing what I’m going to say,

Opening my mind

Letting it flow

Sometimes I’m unsure if these words are my own,

I lose track of time

I’m out in space

The connection I feel is beyond this place.

I’ve found magic

It lives between my words

I yearn for these moments

The calm in my soul,

Chaos around me

Stillness within

No wonder I’ll never fit in

I Need your Real, your Raw, your Broken. (A Poem)

I’m sick of the fake

I’m done with the phony

This world is too small

I can’t dwell in the shallow,

I’m done watering myself down

Done trying to be less

Or pretending to be more

Being a reflection of others

Instead of being me,

That shell has cracked open

My mask is off

The veil has been lifted

My eyes are all the way open,

Show me your broken

your real, your raw

Reveal your excitement,

your exhilaration,

Your bursting at the seems,

Bare your soul to me

and I’ll slowly show you mine

Let me see your darkness

I’ll fill it with my light,

Do not cage me

Roam with me instead

Meet me in the wild

Together we’ll soar into the heavens

And light fire to sky,

My heart is all yours

If You Just be you

And let me be me

This Love will set us both free

How I Emerged from the Cocoon of Codependency Destruction

My first real kiss became my first love, my first heartbreak, my first everything.

It was all so sweet and innocent in the beginning. We were awkward, shy, and just crossing the threshold of adolescence, the first time our lips tentatively came together. Our budding romance fizzled out pretty quickly, like most junior high relationships do. However, I never stopped thinking about him or forgot that first ember of love that began in my heart.

Two years later, we dated again and everything progressed. I started to let down my walls, and allow him to really take up space in my heart. Being in a serious relationship at that age is difficult and complicated, so we parted ways again. But we couldn’t seem to stay away from each other, and found our way back together in less than a year. Finally, we were both ready to fully commit. That was it for me. I was all in. I loved him fiercely, and without fear. The way you can only love the first time. He became my very best friend, and the center of my universe. I couldn’t fathom a future without him in it. I could be myself with him, and I opened up more than I ever had. I showed him my wounds, and his love helped me tie the pieces of myself together.

Every free moment was spent consumed with each other, and oblivious to everything else we were missing out on. We became completely immersed in each other’s lives. His family and friends became my family and friends, and vice versa. Somewhere along the way, we had lost our individuality. I think we both realized that, and retaliated against it in different ways.

I was offered an incredible opportunity. A trip to Europe through my school’s Art department. That was a dream come true for me. Italy was at the top of my travel list. I put in all the hard work to raise the money I needed. I was absolutely thrilled as I embarked on a two week adventure abroad. I had no idea my world was about turn upside down. While I was gone, the unthinkable happened. My love had betrayed me.

I’ll never forget the moment I knew. He called me while I was half a world a way, and he was crying because he missed me so much, and couldn’t wait for me to come home. It didn’t even matter what he said, all I could hear was the guilt in his voice. I could feel the words he wasn’t saying, deep down in my soul.

It took him a year to admit it. A year of deceit, confusion, and insanity. A year of holding onto an illusion I knew was no longer my reality. A year of mental instability, uncertain if I could even trust my own instincts. When the truth finally came out I was relieved, but irrevocably shattered. In a secret part of my heart, I had held onto the hope that I was wrong. No longer able to deny it, I didn’t know how to handle the anger or despair. How could the first person I ever loved, the first person I ever fully trusted, destroy me like that? What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? I blamed myself and internalized everything. My self worth started slipping away.

I didn’t actively seek revenge, but I was broken and no longer cared whether I hurt him or not. I ended up hurting him just as much as he hurt me, if not more. We broke up, and got back together several times over the next few years, breaking each other’s hearts over and over, in the name of love. We didn’t fit together anymore, but neither of us could stand the thought of the other one moving on.

At some point, I finally realized that I would never be able to trust him again. Worse, I knew I could no longer trust myself. My insecurities would always win in a moment of weakness. We had both become toxic inside the tumultuous relationship we were clinging to. I never stopped loving him, but I couldn’t be with him anymore. I needed to let him go, and find my way without him.

I was very unsure of the way forward alone. I had spent seven of my formative years defined by codependency. How do you disentangle from someone when you’ve grown together at the root? How do you know where they stop and you begin? Who are you without them? I honestly didn’t know who I was anymore. In losing him, I had lost myself.

I spent those next couple of years trying to figure it out. I attempted to fill the void in my heart any way that I could. I tried to find solace at the bottle of many bottles, in an effort to numb the pain. I made many terrible decisions, and broke my own heart a hundred times. I constantly tried to put someone else in that place, while simultaneously keeping them at arm’s length. I couldn’t bare the thought of allowing anyone to get close enough to hurt me like that again, but I didn’t like being alone. I’d draw someone in, and then subconsciously push them away if they got too close.

Many years of self destruction and heartbreak later, I finally figured out the underlying factor causing all my relationships to fail. In the midst of my second Identity crises, I realized that I had never learned to love myself. So, I took the time to find out who I really was. I put in the hard work to feel and heal my damage. I chose to fully accept myself despite my flaws. I forgave myself for my mistakes. I transformed all the love I had inside me, and redirected it back at myself. I discovered the things I truly enjoyed, and what actually made me happy. I stopped seeking external validation, and found approval within. I emerged from my cocoon of self destruction, and became the woman I was always meant to be. We all lose ourselves sometimes, but that’s an important part of our Journey.

Our Planet is Dying and We are Running Out of Time

Mother Earth is the only home I’ve ever known. I’ve loved her for as long as I can remember. As a child, I’d run through a field of wildflowers with the wind whispering in my ear, and feel her love radiating back at me. There’s something majestic about being immersed in her waters, or daydreaming beneath her trees.

I’m speechless when I take in the view of her breathtaking mountains, or admire the myriad of colors in her seemingly never-ending sky.

I feel a connection in nature that I’ve never experienced anywhere else. In those quiet moments, it’s clear to me that we are all connected. To each other. To the Earth. To all living things. I felt it at the zoo, when the Mountain Lion pressed her face up to my hand against the glass, longing for a caress. I feel it when my favorite Doe and her fawn watch my daughter and I play from the woods. I was in awe of it when a butterfly landed on me the other day, and chose to stay for a little while. There is something more to these experiences. I’ve felt it for awhile now, but that awareness is growing inside me every day.

I think about all the animals that have gone extinct due to what we have done to this world, and my heart splits open. We need to really consider what that means for us. They’re just animals you say? So are we. Fundamentally, we’re just animals too. What would happen to the world without humans?

The Earth and all her inhabitants would flourish in our absence. The forests would no longer be cut down, and the ocean would cease to be our garbage can. Endangered species would begin to thrive again. If we were extinct, we definitely wouldn’t be missed. However, we’ve been given a great gift that sets us a part from all the other animals. We have the power to think, change, and grow. The capability to problem solve, and work together to save the world; thus saving ourselves.

Some are waiting for science to solve the problem, and others are looking to the sky for answers; looking for another planet to escape to. Even if we had that option, that doesn’t sit well with me. We can’t just use her up, and leave her. That idea is exactly what’s wrong with society today. We take, and we use, and we discard. Then move on to bigger, and better. Always wanting more, more, more.

We get caught up in the rat race, and feel helpless. We stick our heads in the sand and pretend that everything is going to be fine. We turn a blind eye and try to convince ourselves it will all work out. I know I’m guilty of this too. I get busy, I get lazy, I forget my reusable bags or absentmindedly use a straw that I didn’t ask for. Yes, recycling, using a metal straw and reusable grocery bags helps, but we need to do so much more.

This is our last chance to save the planet. She has given us life and nurtured us, and what have we done in return? We’ve poisoned her and destroyed her. In so doing, we’re killing ourselves. We keep cutting down her trees even though they are our lungs. We pollute her oceans, lakes and rivers, as if her water supply doesn’t provide us with one of our basic building blocks of life.

We have to stop being so damn greedy and selfish and work together towards a simpler life. We were not meant to live like this. If we focus our energy, raise our consciousness, and come together as one, we can do anything. Look at all of the incredible things we have accomplished when we’ve united for a cause. One person can do more than they think. One person CAN change the world, but when we come together towards a common goal, our potential is limitless. So let’s do it. As individuals, and as a society. Let’s do absolutely everything we can think of to reverse the damage we’ve done, and give our children a fighting chance at survival.

Massive changes need to occur. Instead of cutting down trees at the current astronomical rate of fifteen billion per year, we can replace the majority of those items with hemp products. Hemp can be harvested in just four months, and produces four times more paper per acre than the average tree. The fiber can also be used to create a plastic alternative that is fully biodegradable. It can even produce an environmentally friendly Fuel! So why the h*ll aren’t we using this incredible, multi-purpose plant? The answer encompasses all that is inherently wrong with the world we live in. Money, greed, power, and corruption. It’s time to stand up for what is right, and fight for humanity.

“When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can’t eat money.” -Alanis Obomsawin

There are currently global climate strikes happening in 163 countries and counting. This week. Right Now. This is the perfect opportunity to get involved. There is also a United Nations summit on September 23rd to discuss the implementation of the Paris Agreement on Climate change. Major Political changes need to occur by the end of 2020, if we’re going to be able to reduce our carbon emissions enough to sustain human life. This is as serious as it gets. We are on the brink of total destruction if we don’t make extreme global changes.

There’s an election coming up, and I know that I’ll be voting for the only issue that really matters. None of the other sh*t will make a difference if we are no longer here.

We need to wake up before it’s too late.

Find out more about Hemp here:

View at Medium.com

How I Conquered Infertility and Manifested a Miracle.

In my mind, Infertility was something that only happened to other people. I never expected it to happen to me. My first daughter was unplanned and very unexpected; therefore, I was under the impression that it would be easy for me. When we decided to have a baby, I assumed it would happen right away, but it didn’t.

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, I’m extremely impatient. I want it immediately. I need it. Now. Now. Now. Yesterday. The thought of it consumes me, and I’ll go after it with ferocious intensity until I get it.

I bought ovulation predictor kits, and started tracking my cycle that very first month. My best friend and Sister in Law were already expecting, and I intended to join them ASAP. I had already started to plan my life around being pregnant, and created my dream nursery on Pinterest. I made a list of names, and tried to imagine what my future child would look like.

After a year, I knew something wasn’t right. I had a meltdown in the Dr.’s office, and she referred us for some tests. We checked for everything imaginable. My hormones, thyroid, and ovaries were all functioning properly. My Husband’s sperm count was normal. We were relatively young and healthy, without any physical barriers. Ultimately, we received a diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility. This may seem like a good thing because there wasn’t anything “wrong”, but it also meant that there was nothing we could fix. We had zero control over it. We decided to keep trying in spite of the odds of conceiving naturally (less than 3% chance).

Anyone who thinks Trying to have a baby is fun, has never actually tried to have a baby. At least not for any real length of time. It’s the opposite of fun.

It’s crying on the bathroom floor after seeing that minus sign for the 21st time in a row.

It’s feeling like a failure.

It’s blaming yourself, blaming your husband, blaming The world.

It’s becoming angry, bitter, and jealous. Resentful of anyone who has what you want. Then feeling guilty for harboring those emotions towards friends, family members, and strangers.

It’s dreading Baby showers and birthday parties because they’re becoming to emotionally draining.

It’s sinking into a deep depression, and lashing out at the people you care about. It’s confusion over why your husband doesn’t appear to be affected, when you are dying inside.

It’s getting sick of trying…even when you’re not trying. It’s turning away from each other and wondering if you’re even meant to be together.

It’s losing all hope, and trying to make yourself believe that you don’t actually need to have another baby. Telling yourself you’ll be fine if you don’t. Convincing yourself to believe your own lies.

It’s listening to your husband say that life is good the way it is, and if you’re meant to have another baby you will.

It’s contemplating smothering him with a pillow for not wanting it badly enough. Couldn’t he see that it was killing you a little more each day?

He didn’t understand. We already had an amazing child, whom he loved like his own. He was okay not having another one. Although my first born is a perfect gift from God, the circumstances surrounding her creation were the opposite. This was my do-over, my second chance. I wanted to have a baby with someone I chose. I wanted to create a life from our love.

Finally, we decided to take the next step. When it came to fertility treatments, we wanted to start with the least amount of intervention and work our way up. We started with Clomid, which was supposed to cause me to hyper-ovulate and release more than one egg. All it did was make me crazy; legitimately unstable. I was even more of an emotional roller coaster than I usually am. We were going to try it for three months before moving on to the next step. After two, my husband said he would rather be in jail, than be with me on clomid. “Lock me up man, I can’t handle it”. Those were his exact words.

After that experience we took a little break. In the meantime, I did some research. Throughout this journey I had discovered so many people who had also been struggling. There were definitely more couples that had experienced difficulty than ones that hadn’t. Infertility has become a very common issue in society. Contraceptive use has played a major role in affecting fertility, and I had been using birth control for over half of my life. The other key factor preventing pregnancy is exposure to chemicals. There are very harmful chemicals in a lot of the food we eat, and in the products we use. I switched out all my beauty products and cleaning supplies. I threw out all the plastic Tupperware and replaced it with glass. I started to only buy organic produce, grass fed beef, and free range eggs. I refused to eat anything processed or packaged, and started taking a very specific vitamin regimen. I convinced my Husband to take supplements as well, and started making him breakfast every morning in an effort to prevent him from eating gas station junk. I felt as ready as I could be to move forward with the next step.

We decided to try two rounds of Intrauterine Insemination combined with Letrozale, and if we didn’t have success with that, we would move on to In-Vitro Fertilization. I was bursting with excitement and anticipation for our first round. I tried not to get my hopes up, but I couldn’t help myself. I was pretty devastated when it didn’t work. However, I knew we had another chance. If that didn’t work then the next option surely would. It was just cost us over $25,000. For our second round, we made sure to do an ultrasound to monitor my follicles and a trigger shot to ensure timely ovulation. I also used progesterone suppositories since low progesterone levels can prevent pregnancy as well.

I was pretty relaxed the second time, and I had a really good feeling about it. I started to see signs and synchronicities everywhere; which put me at ease. The day before I was supposed to test, I woke up from a very vivid dream and I just knew. I took the test, and held my breath as that second pink line slowly, but surely showed it’s face. I jumped up and down on the bathroom floor, ecstatic and relieved. I instantly sent a picture to my husband, who was out hunting. He raced in from the woods and wanted me to take another test to be sure. I laughed, but humored him. The second one was positive too. It was real. Our dream had come true. After the two longest years of our lives, we finally received our precious little miracle. I feel like I brought her into existence with sheer determination. I knew that no matter how many times we failed, I would never give up. The Universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart.