In my mind, Infertility was something that only happened to other people. I never expected it to happen to me. My first daughter was unplanned and very unexpected; therefore, I was under the impression that it would be easy for me. When we decided to have a baby, I assumed it would happen right away, but it didn’t.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, I’m extremely impatient. I want it immediately. I need it. Now. Now. Now. Yesterday. The thought of it consumes me, and I’ll go after it with ferocious intensity until I get it.
I bought ovulation predictor kits, and started tracking my cycle that very first month. My best friend and Sister in Law were already expecting, and I intended to join them ASAP. I had already started to plan my life around being pregnant, and created my dream nursery on Pinterest. I made a list of names, and tried to imagine what my future child would look like.
After a year, I knew something wasn’t right. I had a meltdown in the Dr.’s office, and she referred us for some tests. We checked for everything imaginable. My hormones, thyroid, and ovaries were all functioning properly. My Husband’s sperm count was normal. We were relatively young and healthy, without any physical barriers. Ultimately, we received a diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility. This may seem like a good thing because there wasn’t anything “wrong”, but it also meant that there was nothing we could fix. We had zero control over it. We decided to keep trying in spite of the odds of conceiving naturally (less than 3% chance).
Anyone who thinks Trying to have a baby is fun, has never actually tried to have a baby. At least not for any real length of time. It’s the opposite of fun.
It’s crying on the bathroom floor after seeing that minus sign for the 21st time in a row.
It’s feeling like a failure.
It’s blaming yourself, blaming your husband, blaming The world.
It’s becoming angry, bitter, and jealous. Resentful of anyone who has what you want. Then feeling guilty for harboring those emotions towards friends, family members, and strangers.
It’s dreading Baby showers and birthday parties because they’re becoming to emotionally draining.
It’s sinking into a deep depression, and lashing out at the people you care about. It’s confusion over why your husband doesn’t appear to be affected, when you are dying inside.
It’s getting sick of trying…even when you’re not trying. It’s turning away from each other and wondering if you’re even meant to be together.
It’s losing all hope, and trying to make yourself believe that you don’t actually need to have another baby. Telling yourself you’ll be fine if you don’t. Convincing yourself to believe your own lies.
It’s listening to your husband say that life is good the way it is, and if you’re meant to have another baby you will.
It’s contemplating smothering him with a pillow for not wanting it badly enough. Couldn’t he see that it was killing you a little more each day?
He didn’t understand. We already had an amazing child, whom he loved like his own. He was okay not having another one. Although my first born is a perfect gift from God, the circumstances surrounding her creation were the opposite. This was my do-over, my second chance. I wanted to have a baby with someone I chose. I wanted to create a life from our love.
Finally, we decided to take the next step. When it came to fertility treatments, we wanted to start with the least amount of intervention and work our way up. We started with Clomid, which was supposed to cause me to hyper-ovulate and release more than one egg. All it did was make me crazy; legitimately unstable. I was even more of an emotional roller coaster than I usually am. We were going to try it for three months before moving on to the next step. After two, my husband said he would rather be in jail, than be with me on clomid. “Lock me up man, I can’t handle it”. Those were his exact words.
After that experience we took a little break. In the meantime, I did some research. Throughout this journey I had discovered so many people who had also been struggling. There were definitely more couples that had experienced difficulty than ones that hadn’t. Infertility has become a very common issue in society. Contraceptive use has played a major role in affecting fertility, and I had been using birth control for over half of my life. The other key factor preventing pregnancy is exposure to chemicals. There are very harmful chemicals in a lot of the food we eat, and in the products we use. I switched out all my beauty products and cleaning supplies. I threw out all the plastic Tupperware and replaced it with glass. I started to only buy organic produce, grass fed beef, and free range eggs. I refused to eat anything processed or packaged, and started taking a very specific vitamin regimen. I convinced my Husband to take supplements as well, and started making him breakfast every morning in an effort to prevent him from eating gas station junk. I felt as ready as I could be to move forward with the next step.
We decided to try two rounds of Intrauterine Insemination combined with Letrozale, and if we didn’t have success with that, we would move on to In-Vitro Fertilization. I was bursting with excitement and anticipation for our first round. I tried not to get my hopes up, but I couldn’t help myself. I was pretty devastated when it didn’t work. However, I knew we had another chance. If that didn’t work then the next option surely would. It was just cost us over $25,000. For our second round, we made sure to do an ultrasound to monitor my follicles and a trigger shot to ensure timely ovulation. I also used progesterone suppositories since low progesterone levels can prevent pregnancy as well.
I was pretty relaxed the second time, and I had a really good feeling about it. I started to see signs and synchronicities everywhere; which put me at ease. The day before I was supposed to test, I woke up from a very vivid dream and I just knew. I took the test, and held my breath as that second pink line slowly, but surely showed it’s face. I jumped up and down on the bathroom floor, ecstatic and relieved. I instantly sent a picture to my husband, who was out hunting. He raced in from the woods and wanted me to take another test to be sure. I laughed, but humored him. The second one was positive too. It was real. Our dream had come true. After the two longest years of our lives, we finally received our precious little miracle. I feel like I brought her into existence with sheer determination. I knew that no matter how many times we failed, I would never give up. The Universe always falls in love with a stubborn heart.
Transparent Tasha 